Reader situation
You contact some professional connections only when you need something: a referral, advice, an introduction. You’d like the relationship to be more than transactional, but you’re not sure how to stay in touch without a reason, or without seeming insincere.
Central idea
Relationships benefit from attention outside moments of need. Make a small, relevant gesture that reflects an existing shared interest or conversation.
Practical steps
- Recall shared interest. Think about what connects you to the person. It might be a conversation you had, a topic you both care about, a project you worked on together or a challenge you both face. A real shared interest gives your contact a natural reason and makes it feel genuine rather than forced. If you can’t recall any shared interest, the relationship may not be one to invest in right now, and that’s fine.
- Choose useful contact. Decide on a gesture that would be useful or welcome to the person. Good options include: Sharing an article, resource or event that relates to their work, with a sentence on why you thought of them. Congratulating them on news, with a specific comment. Following up on something they mentioned: “How did the launch go?” Introducing them to someone relevant, with both people’s permission. Acknowledging something they shared that helped you. Choose contact that reflects your actual relationship. A close former colleague might welcome a call; a newer connection might prefer a short message.
Timing matters too. A message that arrives when someone has just shared news, finished a project or started a new role is more likely to feel relevant than one sent at a random moment.
- Keep it proportionate. Match the size of the gesture to the relationship. A brief, thoughtful message is usually enough. Large gestures, such as long messages or gifts, can feel uncomfortable if the relationship is still developing. The aim is to show you’ve thought of them, not to create an obligation. If you’re unsure, err on the side of brevity.
- Ask nothing unnecessary. Don’t attach a request to the contact unless there’s a genuine reason. A message that ends with “And while I’m here, could you…” turns a gesture into a transaction. If you do need something later, the relationship will be stronger because your contact wasn’t always tied to a request. People notice when someone only gets in touch to ask for something. You can still end with an open invitation, such as “I’d love to hear how it’s going,” as long as there’s no pressure to respond.
- Follow through. If the person replies, respond. If you offered something, deliver it. Over time, small, regular, genuine contact builds a relationship that’s resilient when either of you needs support. There’s no need for a fixed schedule; a few thoughtful contacts a year can be enough. Keep a note of what you talked about, so you can follow up meaningfully next time, even months later.
Worked example
Fictional example
The people and details are invented to illustrate an approach. It reports no outcomes.
Kemi, a marketing director, met Arjun at a conference a year ago. They had a long conversation about measuring brand campaigns, and she found his ideas useful. They haven’t been in touch since.
Kemi comes across a new research report on campaign measurement. She remembers their conversation and sends Arjun a short message: “I came across this report on measuring brand campaigns and thought of our conversation at the conference last year. The section on long-term effects reminded me of the point you made about patience in measurement. Hope things are going well.”
She doesn’t ask for anything. Arjun replies a few days later, thanks her and mentions that he’s now leading a measurement project. Kemi asks how it’s going, and they exchange a few messages about it. A few months later, when Kemi needs advice on a campaign, she feels comfortable asking Arjun, and he’s glad to help. Kemi reflects that the request would have felt awkward if her only previous message had been a request too.
Companion tool: Relationship maintenance prompts
Person: ________
Shared interest or conversation: ________
Possible gesture: ☐ Share a relevant resource with context ☐ Congratulate them on news ☐ Follow up on something they mentioned ☐ Make a relevant introduction (with permission) ☐ Thank them for something that helped me
Message draft: ________
☐ It refers to something specific we share. ☐ It’s proportionate to our relationship. ☐ It doesn’t include an unnecessary request.
Notes for next time: ________
Boundaries
- Respect the other person’s response. If they don’t reply, don’t keep sending messages.
- Gestures should be genuine. Avoid contact that’s only a strategy for future requests.
- Be careful when sharing resources that might be confidential or behind paywalls you’re not permitted to share.
Member action
Send a thoughtful check-in or useful resource with context. Add one sentence explaining why it made you think of them.
Discussion prompt
What’s a small gesture from a professional contact that strengthened your relationship?
