Reader situation
A peer tells you about something difficult: a frustrating project, a disappointing decision, a stressful week. You want to help, so you start offering solutions. Sometimes that’s welcome. Sometimes the person wanted to be heard first, and your ideas make them feel less understood.
Central idea
A colleague’s emotional account does not always call for a solution. Acknowledge what you hear, avoid guessing and ask what kind of response would be useful.
Practical steps
Use these reflection steps to practice, either during a conversation or afterwards when reviewing how it went.
- Listen. Give the person your attention without planning your reply. Let them finish before you speak. Ask yourself: Am I listening to understand, or waiting to give advice? What did they actually say, as opposed to what I expected them to say?
- Reflect cautiously. Briefly reflect what you heard, using their words where you can: “It sounds like the decision came as a surprise.” Avoid naming feelings they haven’t expressed or telling them how they must feel. Ask yourself: Am I reflecting what they said, or adding my own interpretation?
- Check understanding. Invite correction: “Have I got that right?” People often clarify or add something important when given the chance. Ask yourself: Did I leave space for them to correct me? What did I learn when they did?
- Ask what helps. Before offering ideas, ask what would be useful: “Would it help to talk through options, or would you rather just talk it through for now?” Some people want practical support, some want ideas and some want someone to listen. Ask yourself: Did I ask, or did I assume?
- Respect limits. Recognize what you can offer and what you can’t. You may be able to listen, share experience or offer practical help with a task. You aren’t responsible for resolving the situation, and some situations need support beyond a peer conversation. Ask yourself: Did I offer only what I could realistically provide? Was there a point where I should have suggested other support?
Worked example
Fictional example
The people and details are invented to illustrate an approach. It reports no outcomes.
Hannah tells her peer Marcus that her project was cancelled after six months of work. Marcus’s first instinct is to suggest how she could present the work elsewhere. Instead, he listens and says, “Six months is a long time to put into something. It sounds like it ended without much warning.” Hannah says yes, and adds that she’s most frustrated that her team wasn’t consulted. Marcus asks, “Would it help to think about next steps, or do you mainly want to talk it through?” Hannah says she’d like to talk it through today and maybe discuss options next week. When reflecting afterwards, Marcus notices that his first idea would have answered a question Hannah hadn’t asked yet.
Companion tool: Supportive response practice
After a conversation where someone shared something difficult, reflect on these questions:
Did I listen without planning my reply? ________
How did I reflect what I heard? Did I add interpretation? ________
Did I check my understanding? What did they correct or add? ________
Did I ask what would help? What did they say? ________
Did I respect the limits of what I could offer? ________
One thing I’ll try next time: ________
Phrases to practice:
- “It sounds like…”
- “Have I understood that right?”
- “Would it help to talk through options, or would you rather just talk it through for now?”
- “Is there anything practical I could help with?”
Boundaries
- Peer support isn’t counseling. If someone seems in serious distress, encourage them to seek appropriate professional support.
- Keep what someone shares private unless they ask you to act on it.
- You can listen and still look after your own capacity. It’s fine to say when you can’t talk at length.
Member action
Ask whether the person wants listening, ideas or practical support. Then follow their answer, even if you have a good idea ready.
Discussion prompt
When someone has supported you well during a difficult time at work, what did they do?
