Reader situation
A peer didn’t do something you hoped they would. Perhaps they didn’t credit your idea, didn’t reply to an introduction or didn’t help with a project as you expected. You feel frustrated, and the feeling lingers. Before acting on it, it helps to know what kind of frustration it is.
Central idea
An unmet hope and an unspoken expectation may call for different responses. Examine what you expected, what was agreed and what conversation would help. Disappointment about a hope may simply need to be acknowledged. Resentment about an expectation you never stated may need a conversation, or a change in how you make agreements.
Practical steps
- Describe event. Write down what happened, as neutrally as you can. Stick to observable facts: what was said or done, when and by whom. “I shared my research in the planning meeting. In the final report, the findings appeared without my name” is a description. “She took credit for my work” is an interpretation. Writing it down helps separate the event from the story you’ve been telling yourself about it, which is often harsher than the facts.
- Identify expectation. Ask what you expected to happen and where that expectation came from. Were you hoping for something, such as recognition or support? Or did you believe the other person had committed to it? Many professional frustrations come from expectations that felt obvious to one person and were never shared with the other. Be honest about the expectation even if it seems small, or if you feel you shouldn’t have had it. “I expected to be thanked” is a legitimate expectation to notice.
- Check agreement. Was the expectation explicitly agreed, or assumed? Look for evidence: an email, a conversation, a documented plan, a clear norm in your team or community. If it was agreed and not met, you have grounds to raise it directly. If it was assumed, the other person may not have known. This step often changes the feeling. Recognizing that an expectation wasn’t shared can turn resentment into disappointment, which is easier to move past.
- Name impact. Consider what effect the event had on you or your work. Did it affect your visibility, your workload, a deadline or your trust in the person? Naming the impact helps you decide whether the issue is worth raising and makes any conversation clearer. A small impact may not need a conversation at all. A significant impact, especially one that is likely to recur, usually does.
- Make a clear request. Decide what you want to happen next, and ask for it directly if it’s worth raising. A clear request focuses on the future: “When you include my analysis in reports, could you add my name?” or “Next time, could we agree who’s responsible for each part at the start?” If the expectation was only a hope, the request might be to yourself: to state similar expectations clearly in future.
Worked example
Fictional example
The people and details are invented to illustrate an approach. It reports no outcomes.
Rafael introduced a peer, Joanna, to a potential client, expecting she would let him know how it went. Weeks later, he heard from someone else that the work had gone ahead. He felt resentful.
Describing the event, he wrote: “I introduced Joanna to the client in March. I haven’t heard from her since.” His expectation was that she would update him. Checking agreement, he realized he had never asked her to. He had assumed it was normal practice. The impact was minor: he felt overlooked, but nothing about his work was affected.
Rafael decided the frustration was disappointment rather than a broken agreement. He sent Joanna a friendly note saying he was glad the introduction worked and would love to hear how it was going. She replied warmly, apologized for not updating him and shared how the project was going. For future introductions, he decided to say at the start, “I’d love to hear how it goes.”
Companion tool: Expectation reflection sheet
What happened (facts only): ________
What I expected: ________
Where that expectation came from: ________
Was it agreed? ☐ Explicitly agreed ☐ Assumed ☐ Unsure Evidence: ________
Impact on me or my work: ________
This feels like: ☐ Disappointment about a hope ☐ Concern about a broken agreement
My request, if any: ________
To whom: ☐ The other person ☐ Myself, for future agreements
Boundaries
- Some situations, such as repeated credit-taking or unfair treatment, are workplace issues that need more than a personal reflection. Consider raising them through appropriate channels.
- Don’t assume bad intent when an expectation wasn’t shared.
- You can choose not to raise a minor disappointment. Letting it go is a valid decision.
Member action
Review one frustrating exchange and distinguish a hope from an explicit commitment. Write the hope and the commitment side by side, and notice whether the other person knew about either.
Discussion prompt
What’s an expectation you’ve learned to say out loud at the start of working with someone?
