Reader situation
You start working with someone new, perhaps in another country, organization or field. Their messages seem unusually brief, or unusually formal. They reply in hours when you expected minutes, or within minutes when you expected a day. It’s easy to read meaning into these differences, and to explain them with assumptions about the person’s background.
Central idea
Professional expectations about directness, formality and response times vary between people and settings. Ask about preferences rather than inferring them from nationality, background or job title.
Practical steps
- Identify ambiguity. Notice when you’re unsure what a communication style means. Is a short reply a sign of displeasure, or simply efficiency? Is a delay a lack of interest, or a different working pattern? Recognizing the uncertainty is the first step.
- Distinguish preference from stereotype. Be careful not to explain the difference with a generalization about someone’s culture, country, age or role. Individuals vary widely, and the person in front of you may not match any general pattern.
- Ask about expectations. Ask the person directly how they prefer to work: “How do you like to handle quick questions: by message, or saved up for a call?” or “What response time works for you?” Share your own preferences too.
- Agree a practical approach. Settle on simple working arrangements: channels, response times, how direct feedback should be and how to flag urgency.
- Revisit misunderstandings. If something still feels unclear later, raise it early and lightly: “I wasn’t sure how to read your last message. Did I miss something?” Small clarifications prevent larger misunderstandings.
Worked example
Fictional example
The people and details are invented to illustrate an approach. It reports no outcomes.
Ji-woo starts co-writing a guide with Lars, a member she met in a Circle. Lars’s replies are short and arrive late in the evening. Ji-woo wonders whether he’s unhappy with her drafts. Rather than guess, she asks: “How do you prefer to handle questions while we work on this, and what response time suits you?” Lars explains that he works in the evenings after his main job and keeps messages short to save time. He says he’s very happy with her drafts. They agree that Ji-woo will batch her questions and that either of them will mark a message “urgent” if a quick reply is needed.
Companion tool: Communication preferences conversation guide
Questions to ask at the start of working together:
- “How do you prefer to handle quick questions: by message, or saved for a call?”
- “What response time works for you, and what should I expect from you?”
- “How direct would you like feedback to be?”
- “How should we flag something urgent?”
- “Are there times when you won’t be available?”
Share your own answers to the same questions.
If something feels unclear later:
- “I wasn’t sure how to read your last message. Did I miss something?”
- “I want to check I’m working in a way that suits you. Is anything worth adjusting?”
Boundaries
- Don’t ask people to explain their culture or background on behalf of a group.
- Some expectations are set by organizations or roles. Work within those where they apply.
- Asking about preferences is a starting point. People’s preferences may change over time.
Member action
Ask a collaborator how they prefer to handle questions and response timing. Offer your own preferences in the same message, so the question feels two-way.
Discussion prompt
What’s a communication difference that you misread at first, and what did you learn when you asked?
